invitan: (Kanda - lonely)
[personal profile] invitan
 So I'm here, staring at the computer screen, struck with realisation about how sick and tired I am of writing per se. 

Anyway, for once I'm gonna try to blog about RL without bitching (which is more impossible than me resume ficcing, but I'll give it a try anyway). So, first day of exam. The funny thing about the first day is that you just cannot get over the fact that it's over. Even more so is the fact that your two diligent years are officially done with. In such a fashion.

Okay, so I walked into the exam hall (after all the hugging and wishing and scaring one another off) with confidence (or as much confidence as I could churn out), quickly getting seated and just, well, staring blankly at the question paper. I was not supposed to flip it yet, but the paper is quite thin anyway and I kinda cheated by trying to make out the reversed letters. 

The next 15 minutes, I froze on the spot, totally panicked.

So the question was the kind that totally threw me off balance. "Leadership" was not exactly the most marvellous prompt ever, and being a fantasy anime/manga fangirl didn't help either (as tempted as I was to write mecha fights and LEADING HUMAN RACE AGAINST ALIEN). Anyway, I chose a different approach, and sorta managed to pull it through (in a rush though). Not my best effort, but not really the worst case scenario.

But the drama just really started during the break. I stayed back a bit to wait for my BFF, and she gave me the look. I had prepared to whine a bit (after all, exam is all about whining right?), but knew better. You'll know better too when you're on the receiving end of the look. And below is the most awkward conversation ever:

Me: So... 
Her: ...What did you choose?
Me: Well... you?
Her: I did <insert here>
Me: Oh?
...
...
Her: I'm gonna fail.
Me: Huh?
Her: I did not do the second question.
Me: Ah so...

That was when all my hope for a chance of whining diminished. Instead, my mind began to be torn between relief (that there was someone doing worst than me) and guilt (for feeling relieved), and I just couldn't bring myself to mention anything at all about how I fared to anyone. Those kinds of exchange information really stood a good chance of wrenching your gut and frying it on a pan, and I didn't think I needed to feel worst than I'd already done.

So anyway, the second paper began right after, and soon enough, realisation dawned on me that it stung. Literally. The entire two passages were about, well, bees. Bees! Honeybees, worker bees, queen bees, etc. And just to add on to the jubilation of the topic, the summary was about as exciting as, say, bees building hives. I should have felt ashamed that I almost dozed off twenty minutes into the question, but that was just about how interesting a bee colony could be anyway, so really, no hard feelings.

Another thing when it comes to exam is that concentration could be the perfect painkiller sometimes. When the examiner announced 'time's up', my body immediately fell into an entirely different state. Fatigue and goosebumps just popped out one by one, accompanied by a mild headache. Burnt out. Totally burnt out. Couldn't even sign my name to save my life.

So today was kind of unexpected after all. I had thought that tonight I would feel either extremely elated or terribly depressed. Instead I've got the middle of the spectrum, not so up, not so down, more like a blank, in-between state of mind. The whole evening afterwards was spent avoiding people and practicing to smile politely whenever I was asked "How was it?" Folks sometimes don't know when to shut their mouths.

===

On a side note, I have just been aware of how incredibly cynical I'm becoming. Cynical and judgmental, especially towards those who know less than me. I'm not fond of this aspect of my personality, but it's something I just can't help. Occasionally I wish things would go back to the time when I was more generous and willing to leave some grey areas regarding my impressions towards others. Now finding faults in others has virtually become my default mode, and I sort of resent it.

===

Just another not-so-random thought: Is love without regard to cultural, religious or individual differences too idealistic? It seems to be the common way of thinking nowadays, but I'm trying my best not to make up my mind about it. There are enough condemnation around me though, and I think a bit of practicality is necessary to survive in this world. 
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