invitan: (Default)
2016-08-17 02:09 pm

On self-documentation and procrastination

I have always been inconsistent in terms of recording my life. The period when I was the most productive was also when I was at the height of loneliness, and looking through old records and documents shed a certain light on how I think at the time, including all the embarrassing tidbits that I do not want to remember. Memories are always edited to make you feel better about yourself, and so documentation of self is important to foster self-awareness.

I've been rereading whatever I posted on this blog since the beginning of 2009, and I did not realize how angry I was at everything. Most things posted are full of frustration, angst, and biting sarcasm at petty happenings. In my mind, however, I was always sensible, calm, mature for my age. I am sure that this version of myself would never make it onto the page, because I would only write when I have no other outlet to express my pent-up frustration.

This explains the overwhelming lack of content over the last four years. I wish I kept a better record of my college life, but it was the direct consequence of not being alone. Does solitude necessitates records? Do all writers have to maintain a degree of isolation to create? 

I can perhaps describe it as a volcano, or a water valve. To be able to write, I need to achieve a degree of pent-up neediness - neediness to express myself, neediness to get heard. Having someone around means a valve leaking; pressure could never build up enough to overcome the inertia that comes with entertaining diversion. Maybe that's why philosophers don't want to be happy, but that would be a side-story.

Who knows. Maybe this would be how I resume writing again?
invitan: (Hikaru - Become stronger)
2014-07-18 07:57 pm

5 Unconfirmed Facts About D.C.: A Convo Edition

My DC backpacking trip a month ago had me engage in crazy cool meetings with friends, both old and new, in a way that a tour could hardly supply. Featured in this post are snippets of conversations (the dramatized version) between me and local DC citizens.

#1: Humbling the Romans )#2: Drawing Circles )
#3: Photographic Memories )#4: Navigation )
#5: Speeding and Google )
invitan: (Kanda - lonely)
2014-06-09 04:42 pm
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Requiem of a kitten

She died at 4 p.m., June 9, 2014, in her favorite bamboo basket. Her blue eyes remained wide open. I touched her face, slipping my hand down to her stomach. 

Her tail ceased to move. Throughout the endeavor of surgery, or recovery and failed recovery, her tail sometimes was the only sign of life left. And when life left her, so was her tail.

She had lived with us for 10 years without illness. In the end, ovarian cancer took her away from us. 

In the last few days, her walk was slow and sluggish. I thought of calling a pet when she was vomiting, but I stopped. Maybe I should have. Maybe it wouldn't have solved anything. 

What if, after all, is not the best mode of thinking right now. No bargaining. No bargaining. If I can jump straight to acceptance.

Gosh. It's not about you.

I am sorry. I am sorry. Depression.



Mi, the greatest cat in the world.

*Kitten: a term to call all cats in the United States, regardless of their age.

invitan: (Default)
2014-03-03 11:14 pm

Career crisis

Gosh, career crisis is nasty.

Sometimes I wish I could just redo everything. Stop before it was too late. Before I fell in love with stories, and no longer was able to go on without them. Stop when numbers were still fascinating, and coding a viable mystery. Stop as mom and dad woke me up from this lavish dream, telling me that there was no going back.

When I look back on my life, it seems like a walking pile of wasted potentials. I did not take chances when I could; I did not take risks when I should.

But maybe everyone has those moments.

Middle school screwed me up so badly and its effect still lingered around at times. But it helped me filter people, and helped me learn to be fake; except that it was absolutely exhausting to act fake all the time.

Back to my career crisis. Everything I read recently only seemed to discourage me more from venturing into real movie-making, and it was exhausting. Meanwhile, I keep getting distracted by irrelevant things.

Or maybe I just have a big ego. Maybe both.

Jeez, never mind.
invitan: (Fuji)
2013-12-08 10:09 pm
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There will be snow

 I am writing more. This is either a good sign, or just characteristics of exam periods and the anything-is-better-than-studying mentality. Whatever the case, at least I am restarting, and not drawing a huge blank of my life. 

My FYS professor told me once that researching and reconstructing is difficult, because most people don't keep a record of their life. Except for those people who expect to be famous (followed by hilarious comments on letters by famous figures who are fascinating to read just because they expect to be studied later on). For me it's something different. I am not wishing to be famous, but rather to be able to remember what has happened to me. (Need to remind myself to keep searching for that lost notebook where I wrote down most of my teenage angst).

Anyway, going into the post proper, it's the first snow of the season today. As in real snow - the snow that leaves traces on the ground a day afterwards. It is so beautiful that it left me in awe. It made me want to write a poem about it - not that I know anything about poetry. I am however not an English major, and my language is no longer beautiful as it used to be, so I would leave that for another day. Just a stream of consciousness regarding snow as I was walking across the snowfield.

Snow is so much like sand, the way they shimmer under the moonlight and scatter around. The way that footsteps can be traced back to their origins, yet can be erased as easily as they are created. If footsteps on the beach are erased by the wind, snow steps melted into wet pathways, just as if it has been raining.

I was walking in my rainboots, and I realize that they are not fully water proof. Either that or I confuse wetness with coldness - both sensations feel the same at very low temperature. Yet the feeling when my boots left behind those footsteps is indescribable. The feeling that someone may know that I have walked this path just by looking at the footsteps - a natural record of my walk around the Quad - gives me a sense of existence. I exist, I am visible, I am recognized just by leaving behind those footsteps on the snow. Even if they will melt away into puddles of water just like a huge downpour, they remain for more than a second on the ground. Maybe it's enough, maybe I just need to know that there's someone out there who acknowledge me for a short-lived moment. 

It's pure bliss. And purity. The blissful moments that I walk across the quad are just priceless.

Another thing, snow makes me think of Christmas, and all sort of happy, fuzzy, warm feelings. Wonder how something so cold can bring about an emotion so wonderful. On another note, it's probably just dominant culture manifests itself though - take note about how I socialize all of that. Oh sociology, look what you have done to my romantic side. 
invitan: (Hikaru - Become stronger)
2013-09-11 04:17 pm

Happy New Year 2013... Oh, wait a minute!

Ironically this demands to be posted on September 11. More on that later.

I just realized I never did a proper New Year post for this year - understandably as I was going through the Uni App Phase at that time, after which it just slipped my mind. I am currently taking a class on Stories from the Archive, and I just realize how important it is to recount everything that happens in my life (so that my children and grandchildren can read this. Jk, like I will let them judge me this way). So here we go, 9 months into 2013 and let's see what happened in the past one and a half year.

To do a resolution check:

2012 Resolution Check )

Being a foreign worker in Singapore )

Enough of job ranting, although I would love to do a proper post on my job experience later on. Here is the resolution for the rest of this semester:
2013 Fall Resolution )
invitan: (TezuFuji)
2013-08-03 12:52 pm
Entry tags:

A much self-appreciated effort of returning to fandom. Or not.

Okay, enough with all the emo/sentimental/cheesy/sappy stuff I have been indulging myself in for the past year. Finally, I am returning to fandom, much to my stupid crazy RL mess.

Firstly, yeah, I finally got my own dreamwidth account: [personal profile] invitan . Finally, I know. Welcome to civilization at last.

Secondly, I finally manage to go to college. FINALLY. It's been decades since my peers enter this rite of passage. Or maybe 2 years. Lafayette College in the fall, here I come. Though truth be told, I am not that eager. Yet.

Thirdly, I finally had a job. A proper job that paid the rent. Yes, rent. In Singapore. It now sounds awfully like some sort of export labor. Nonetheless, working as a full-time waitress for 4 months did open my eyes a lot.

Fourthly, I need to stop this abuse of full stop if I do want to return to writing proper essays. I know right. Sigh.

invitan: (Default)
2012-07-27 11:58 pm
Entry tags:

[Archive] Sep 12, 2008 11:07 AM

From someone-who-used-to-be-so-close.

"Ban the day, tim mai moi dc mot cai anh cua cau

Chac la to la nguoi dau tien nhi, sau bo me cau, dc bao tin cau do....uh, kieu gi cau cha do. To thua biet tong cai dieu day, tu khi nghe cau noi cau sap thi, thi vao cai ngay khung bo 11.9 co. Tu luc day da buon` lam roi. Con hom nay thi nghe xong, khoc' that roi.......khoc that, nhu cai hom thi hs gioi y

Cha hieu sao tu nhien ngoi giac nhu sap mat...mat lam sao dc. Nhng ma toan the....cau di roi, luc nao to dien dien, ai choi voi to. Lam gi co ai ngoi nhan 3 cai tin cho to, keu to nay to no....lam gi co ai bat to lam` cai nay cai kia....lam gi co ai ke cho to nghe du thu chuyen tren doi....lam gi co ai ma cho to om khi to buon nhat ............lam gi co ai.....

Nai, to biet la cau se di. To chac chan la cau se di. cau se di thuc hien cai du dinh cau deo duoi, met pho` rau....bam luc....met nhoai ma van co gang.....

Nhung to van buon` lam.....

vi To thik cau lam lam......thik cuc cuc y......cau la nguoi duy nhat to nguong mo lam lam...yeu lam lam....

Neu la con trai, to chac chan thick cau roi.!"

Only question: What has happened over the last 4 years? Since when have we totally drifted apart? Is it my fault? Your fault? Out of sight, out of mind?
invitan: (Hikaru - Become stronger)
2011-12-31 11:38 pm

Say goodbye to oldie 2011

...and extend our hands to babe apocalypse?

Another year has gone by, and for the last 12 months I only managed to post 12 journal entries? Gosh I wish I would not make that a tradition. In any case, I'll just get the resolution check out of the way first.

My completely failed attempts )

From the few lines above, you probably have understood why I label 2011 as the year of unexpected twists.

In retrospect... )

Anyway, enough ranting. It's been a while since my last post, and I really miss writing (pretty) long entries. As 2011 draws to a close, it's time for a new set of resolutions. I'm losing faith in myself though, seeing how last year's works out.

2012 resolutions )
invitan: (Default)
2011-08-09 11:51 pm
Entry tags:
invitan: (Kanda - lonely)
2011-07-13 12:46 am
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Statuses mix

Just a mix of a few songs, the lyrics of which I have been quoting in my statuses since the beginning of this year. Figure they can be fitted into a story.


I'm mannin' up, gonna hold my ground )



invitan: (Default)
2011-06-10 02:59 am
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My funeral

It's been a while. I haven't been making too much progress in life in general, so we can leave it at that. Instead, today I'll just talk about my death instead.

This entry is spurred from an almost-accident earlier today (or yesterday, considering it's now 2.30am). A car whizzed by right in front of my nose when I was crossing the street. First thought: "How many people would come to my funeral?" )
invitan: (Hikaru - Become stronger)
2011-01-04 03:40 pm
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A belated Happy New Year xD

...Shiki OST is sure a perfect moodkill. I'm having goosebump all over just listening to the first 2 tracks, and it's New Year too.

Anyway, 2010 has been a relatively remarkable year for me. What I have done in 2010. )

2011 Resolutions! )

Happy new year everybody ^o^ If the Mayas are right, we only have another year to live before apocalypse, so use your time well xD
invitan: (Kanda - lonely)
2010-10-26 12:46 am
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First day and bees

 So I'm here, staring at the computer screen, struck with realisation about how sick and tired I am of writing per se. 
The funny thing about the first day is that you just cannot get over the fact that it's over. )
invitan: (Default)
2010-10-19 07:37 am
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Just, you know, the annual thing Y.Y

Exams. Are. Eating. My Life.

I've been trying to get rid of distraction and keeping my laptop away for concentration's sake. Then I end up seeking for other distractions (such as sleep, music, sleep, sleep, sleep = =), and eventually feel guilty because I have wasted hours not studying =.=

'Kay, so only another month. Then I can go to AFAX (Anime Festival Asia X \:D/ ), and watch Friends, and watch lots and lots of anime >__<

In the mean time, I gotta write one essay per day. What a life = =
invitan: (Aibacchi)
2010-05-26 11:41 pm
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Desktop theme :-S

Currently taking a (very) short break after being carried away with life for days of tests and exams *__* Prelims is coming in July, so I suppose I don't have much time to relax >__<

Meme from [ profile] andyprue 

- Anyone who looks at this entry has to post this meme and their current wallpaper on their LiveJournal.

- Explain in five sentences why you're using that wallpaper!

- Don't change your wallpaper before doing this! The point is to see what you had on!

"D )
invitan: (Akira)
2010-03-24 06:41 pm
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I may have tonnes of fear, but I ain't fear my home.

When I was young and ignorant, I used to display a signature that said "Only when you are far away will you truly love your home", because I thought it sounded cool and somewhat mature. At that point of time, I had never known what it was really like to be far away from home, though.

Thinking back, it now sounds almost ironic.
A movie scene, or a declaration of love. )
invitan: (Kanda)
2010-03-16 09:55 pm
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Thế giới này bị thống trị bởi những kẻ không có tính hài hước '__'

Thế giới này bị thống trị bởi những kẻ không có tính hài hước '__'

Bất lực -__- )
invitan: (Hikaru - Become stronger)
2010-01-12 08:50 pm
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So anyone got any idea about building a glider...?

...because I'm doing one now. A small one actually, and probably would never be able to take off by itself.

I've been regretting taking the project for 2 months now, and I will have  to stayed back until 7pm to measure and see-saw and sandpaper and hammer and all that sorts until the end of this week.

And then take it to the trial on Saturday. Which will be so embarrassing that I'd have to buy a mask to cover my face.

So anyone got any idea on how to make the tail? Since I'm absolutely ignorant.

Chess will start AGAIN this Thurs. Screw it.

My seniors got really high results, which do nothing but stress me out. They got like A1 for almost everything...